I know, I know, it’s not June yet.  But hey.  Time to sing. 

‘I like New York in June, how about you?
I like a Gershwin tune, how about you?
I love a fireside when a storm is due.
I like potato chips, moonlight and motor trips, how about you?

Holding hands in the movie show when all the lights are low may not be new,
But I like it, how about you?’

“How About You,” music by Burton Lane and lyrics by Ralph Freed.  I first heard it in the movie The Fisher King.

Michael Neill’s Tip of the Day today is called “How to Win Games and Influence Dolphins.”  Michael writes about positive reinforcement, drawing on dolphin trainer Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”

‘What makes human beings jump through hoops and exhibit entirely new behaviors never before seen in the species is the experience of “winning” - of succeeding at what it is we are setting out to do.’

‘”Winning” in the sense I am using it here is unique to the individual - it is anything that feels like success, be that the signature on an order form or the smile of approval of a loved one, boss, or friend.

You can increase your skill at recognizing wins by first identifying what games you (or the person you are trying to motivate) are playing. You can then work out what would constitute a win in each game.

For example if the game you are playing is selling a product or service, some possible wins include getting a hot lead, enrolling a new client, or making a sale. If you’re playing the weight loss game, those wins can include saying “no” to a piece of chocolate cake, knocking a few numbers off the scale, or fitting in to a new (or old!) item of clothing.’ -Michael Neill

This is why I think it’s so important to have a shared life dream in a personal relationship or at work.  First identify what game you’re playing.  Then decide how you’ll know when you ‘win’ or end up where you want.  Agreeing with your partner means you’re playing the same game.

Of course in my last writing I focused on explicit planning in relationships.  Most of my work focuses on explicit planning in relationships and then getting the plans done in surprising ways which emerge in the moment.  When you come out of a hike in the woods and come out on the highway, you can choose to go left or right, and sometimes having an explicit map to show the way is desirable.

Sometimes, like hiking in the woods, I want my way to be tacit.  I want to follow my senses without even thinking about where I’m going or why or how or when.  This is kind of blissful for me.  But when I get to a point where I don’t share connection with the woods any more, or when I’m in a relationship where we’ve lost our way and don’t know why we’re together any more, that’s when explicit communication and planning helps.

Of course, there’s the third way.  I’ve had times in my life where I’ve gotten out of the woods, seen the highway racing by, not known what to do, and stopped.  I’ve sat down by the side of the road.  And sometimes that is okay.  Sometimes that is what we want.  Sometimes we don’t know what to do, and we don’t even want to know what to do.  Sometimes we want to be in that place where we don’t know what’s going on, we don’t know how to make it better, and we don’t want to do anything.

What I’ve learned over the last year is, that being wherever we’re at without having a way forward is sometimes what we want.  And when that happens, well, sometimes I like being okay with the not knowing and not wanting and being caught up in despair, or separation, or whatever it is.  But sometimes I want to do something.

Recently I read The Shiralee by D’Arcy Niland, and it got me wanting to offer some advice to the main character, whose name is Macauley.

When Macauley is a young man, he meets a blind prophet.  The prophet tells him there are two types of men:  men who live in boxes, which is living in a house, and men who live on wheels, which is living on the road.  The prophet warns Macauley that he can’t be happy leading a double life, and so Macauley chooses to live on the road.

Years later, Macauley has gotten married to Marge, had a kid named Buster, found out Marge had an affair, decided he was living a double life of both house and working on the road, and Macauley takes four-year old Buster on the road with him, away from Marge.  Life on the road is tough, sleeping under the stars at night, and I was delighted when a poet who rides a bicycle on the road suggests that Macauley get a horse and buggy.

When Macauley hears this, his eyes open wide, and he repeats, “A horse and buggy.”  Instantly he knows this is a way to have a box on wheels, his house on the road, good for a life of him and Buster.

Then Marge comes to get Buster, and I got angry at the author, who dehumanizes Marge and makes her out to only want to get Buster back as a way to spite Macauley.  Yet whenever Macauley succeeds in taking Buster away from Marge, both Buster and Macauley get hurt bad.  So here’s treating Macauley like he’s a real guy, assuming that Marge is a real woman, and Buster is a real kid.  I know many real people in relationships which break up, who can learn from Macauley and Marge.  I’m also going to assume that they will all be most deeply happy if, instead of breaking up the marriage, they can live a deeply happy life together.

Marge is combative towards Macauley right now, so here are some tips Macauley can do on his own.

1) Figure out what you want to get from your relationship.  If Macauley shut his eyes and wished for five things he’d instantly get with Marge, he might make a list including being looked up to, having a mother for his kid, having a wife who cares for him.

2) Aim for an ambitious, exciting, shared life dream.  Macauley’s life dream might be to have a house on the road with his wife and kid, where all of them grow and learn and feel they are their best selves.

3) Decide what you want to give in your relationship.  Macauley is successful and feels deeply fulfilled when he helps people find their way, when he works, when he travels, when he appreciates people, when he’s a friend.

A quick note here:  Marge says she wants to feel as if she’s in a marriage and as if she’s appreciated.  Macauley can give her what she most wants.  There’s no real reason why they shouldn’t be together.

4) Decide what you all want to do together, in how much time, and how you’ll know when it’s done.  Since Marge is angry with Macauley right now — after all, he recently stepped on his values and treated her like trash instead of as a friend — Macauley is on a team by himself.  He does well with deadlines, so he might decide that two weeks from now, he’ll have worked up enough money to buy enough so he can make the buggy even more of a home, traveled to visit Marge, treat her like a friend on their visit together, appreciate her for what she’s doing well, and share his dream of finding their way together in life.

That’s where Macauley might start.  As he and Marge get closer in their relationship, Macauley can read four more tips on Relationships at Work.

I’ve been wondering, what about having a shared life dream?  When I work with clients, a shared ambitious vision of what we want for the world can be a better customer service experience where customers give 20% higher satisfaction ratings, or cutting marketing costs by 50% in four months while maintaining sales.  What about personal relationships?

Dexter is a TV show which I like, even though I’ve only seen two episodes because it’s gruesome.  Dexter is a dating a woman who he jokes is nearly as damaged as he is.  At the end of one episode, Dexter has a husband-and-wife tied up naked on a block of ice.  He asks them, “You’ve had a long, happy marriage, and incredible serial killers.  What’s the secret to your success?”  The wife tells him, “We have a shared life dream.”

Dexter goes home and asks his girlfriend, “Do you have a life dream?”  “Yes,” she says softly, “What’s yours?”  Instantly it comes to him, surprising him, “To have a normal life,” he says.  “That’s what I want too,” she says.

I wonder about having a shared life dream in my personal relationships.  When I feel most connected and closest, whether in romantic relationship or with family or friends, it’s when we’re working towards a shared life dream together.  Being on the ambitious journey together is wonderful, no matter where we end up.

Since I know from my work that in great relationships at work, everyone needs to do at least some work where they are hands-on and also receiving constant feedback from their coworkers, it seems there are at least two types of shared life dreams.

One type of shared life dream comes from a place of need, suffering, pain in one or both people in the relationship.  It’s helping your girlfriend smooth over her fighting with her parents, or helping her get that one job she’s always wanted.  It’s helping your boyfriend release deep pent-up emotions, or helping him with some medical problems.  However, since for work to be fulfilling, each person needs to be hands-on, making something they can see from start to finish, these shared dreams often leave one person feeling put-upon to change, and the other person feeling frustrated they can’t do more.

If there’s no shared dream, then the relationship is static.  The couple doesn’t know where they’re going together, or why, or when, or how.  You get together.  Activities might be enjoyable, but they have little meaning in any big picture of your life, because both of you don’t yet share a big picture.  You’re not closely connected, you’re not moving forward. 

The other type of shared life dream is not a shared escape from a nightmare, but is starting where life is okay, and moving towards a deeply wonderful fantastic dream.  These are the best examples I can think of, and I need your help:  I know couples who discuss their finances each week, what they’ll want to buy when they’re married, and what they need to do to get there.  Some couples regularly work together in the same physical space, each on their own business, sharing feedback and advice.  Some couples go into business together, so their shared life dream is closely supported by their shared business.

Other couples share the dream of finding an apartment together, or renovating their house.  Or taking dance lessons together.  Or reading together each Saturday in their living room.  Or planning and traveling on vacations.

Recently I heard someone’s shared life dream: “To learn about myself and other people.”  I’m fascinated by this dream, although it’s hard to share the journey without breaking it down into smaller projects.  Maybe you could decide to each read the other person’s favorite book and discuss it in the next two weeks, and learn about yourself and other people that way.  Maybe you could decide to take dance lessons over the next two months and learn how to swing-dance where the guy can swing the gal over his head.  Something ambitious for both people each time, each project a step along the way to the shared life dream.

And when you get to your life dream and are living it, and it’s not a challenge anymore, make a new shared life dream.

I’m curious: What shared life dreams do you know of?  What do people do to decide what their goals will be together in their romantic relationship?  How do great couples you know live and work together?